BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN

BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks, free dinners.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're well aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.

STAGES OF A WOMAN'S LIFE

Age 3: Looks at herself and sees a queen!
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Fat/Pimples/UGLY (Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly-- but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly -- but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly -- but says, At least I am clean, and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees I am and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. She goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier!


Every Woman Should Have...

Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to.
The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it.
A skin care regime, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after age 30.
Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.
One friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry.
Something perfect to wear if the man of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
A purse and a suitcase that she's not ashamed to be seen carrying.
A youth she's content to move beyond.
A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.
A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.
A feeling of control over her destiny.
A set of screwdrivers, a drill and a black lace bra.

QUOTES

And finally, here are some great quotes by success, funny and wonderful women with attitude and a zest for life.

'In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.' - Margaret Thatcher

'I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.'- Gloria Steinem

'Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.' - Gloria Steinem


'You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.'- Erica Jong

'I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours!' - Rita Rudner

'Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.'- Erma Bombeck

'If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.' - Sue Grafton

'I think, therefore I'm single.'- Lizz Winstead

'When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.'- Elayne Boosler

'Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.'- Maryon Pearson

'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.'- Eleanor Roosevelt